I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
