i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
