That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
