Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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