I'm sorry my penis didn't work
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Randomize
