If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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