I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize