Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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