im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
