hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
