i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Randomize
