i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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