Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
