Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
FUCK WHALES
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
