Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
