News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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