tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
