If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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