Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
i think my cat just said my name.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
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