you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
