There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
