did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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