you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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