I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
