anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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