Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize