This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
