Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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