I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Randomize
