someone owes me an orgasm
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
