When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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