remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
