capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
