he thought i was a dude.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
You are a genius and a whore.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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