im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
