Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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