Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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