It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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