hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
