every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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