She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
