even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I have fence marks all over my body
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
