Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Randomize
