My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I skipped work to stalk him.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
