john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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