I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
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