I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Randomize
