her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
