She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
