my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Randomize
