1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
