if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
