were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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