broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Randomize
