I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize