that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
