meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
