This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
