I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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